What’s This Unfamiliar Feeling…?
“Bring on the Rain”
Taken October 6, 2007 with Canon PowerShot A550
I spent yesterday enveloped in a strange mood… and it’s carried over into today: an odd kind of feeling that I can’t quite place, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before; not in my entire life. I’m not particularly “old”, as of yet, but neither could I be called particularly “young” (No. I refuse to be “middle-aged”). I’m a little confused that I can’t actually remember ever having had this particular feeling before. Not once. Not even for a split second.
It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s not what I can definitively call a good feeling, either. Kind of a stillness in the middle of my head. Calmness…? Is that a feeling?
I don’t know what brought it on. Was it that I was finally back in more familiar routines again yesterday? That I had a Walk-About to my parents’ place for the first Saturday in a several weeks? That my camera comes with me everywhere again? I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter. It’s there. I keep checking, and it’s still there.
I don’t know what this feeling is, but I’m managing to figure out what it’s not, which gets me closer to a label, maybe.
It isn’t “peace”, and yet, because of this feeling of whatever-it-is, I do feel more at peace with myself.
It isn’t “happiness”, although I’ve been in a happy mood more often than not, lately.
At the same time, something is missing. It almost feels like a huge pressure has been lifted, and I thought at first that it was that I’m employed again, but that’s not it. “Broke” is a state of being that I’m accustomed to, can live with when need be, and I’ve never been in extreme danger of absolute poverty in any case.
But something is gone, and whatever it is, it was something I shouldn’t have been carrying around, didn’t know I was carrying around, and whatever it was, I’m glad it’s gone. Whatever it is that’s there instead isn’t exciting, or dramatic, or blissful or wonderful. It just is, and I’m grateful for it.
I hope I get to keep it.
Random Song for the Day: “Freeze Frame” - J. Geils Band
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October 7th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I too have struggled with “middle age” over the last couple of years. Retirement, while highly under-rated and blissful, also signals the end of an age of thinking you have years to go. Now, you know that you are on the short end of the scale that measures the time you have left, and I started to miss the younger days; the energy, the sexual drive, the quest for excitement, and a whole host of “when I was young” feelings.
On the way back today, with my son blaring the oldies station, he was raised on my music, I became frustrated at not being able to remember some of the group names…damn, I used to be able to win music trivia games with one ear covered, and that really pissed me off. It’s like everything reminds you that your time has passed.
Anyway…this didn’t help you at all, but I vented my feelings, and I apologize for doing it here. Suffice it to say, you “ain’t” alone.
Oh shit…it was Eddie Money! Just now hit me…maybe there is hope…maybe I can still compete!
Les Says (or WILL, once she quits laughing): You can vent on my blog anytime, Mushy. Especially if it helps you win “Name That Tune”.
October 9th, 2007 at 2:27 am
You daft bat - that’s not middle age - that’s called HEALING.. and I’m so glad. x
Les Says: No, I said I REFUSE to be “middle-aged”… in fact, most of the time I’m about 17, I just have to have my face erased to match. I AM daft, though, no argument there.
October 9th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Sounds wonderful, having a huge load off, and being blissfully unaware of what it was you were under. Peace. Sounds wonderful. Enjoy it, and don’t question it. Like with Mushy, it’ll eventually come to you like a shot. You’ll be goin’ “oh, hell yea, woohoooo!”
Les Says: It’s still there, too - although, I find I have to look a little longer for it. It’s still worth the looking.
I really don’t mind if I NEVER figure it out (also unusual for me).