Jun

1

All Hail the Empress of NYC!

Statue-of-Liberty

Yes: All Hail Shirley the Great, for allowing such a lowly peon as myself to repost this wondrous epistle. She built this form letter to save time, I think. She also gave me express permission to rip it right off, but I will pay homage to her regardless. She has spectacular ideas. Boy, do I have plans to make…

Dear ________________,

I’m/We’re sorry that…

I/we peed on ____________. I/We thought pee would actually improve it.

I/we stuck ___________ on your __________. I/We thought it would actually improve it.

I/we trampled you during a fire drill. Please note that in the case of a real emergency, I/we would have more respect for your life & safety.

I’m/We’re late. Actually, your clock’s wrong, I’m/we’re perfectly on time.

I’m/We’re late. Whoopsie daisie! It’s because a baby carriage got stuck underneath a city bus & only I/we was/were able to lift it and save the day.

I/We killed your mom. It was an accident. It will never happen again. Plus, this may the best time to tell you, you were adopted anyway.

I/We ran over your dog while test driving a luxury sedan. He/She ran onto the lawn without warning!

I/We drank all your bourbon / scotch / vodka / rum / tequila and now my/our head(s) hurt. I/We deserve that. Please buy more booze.

I/We shot you in the foot/face/ass. I/We totally didn’t mean to. You should’ve danced/ducked/shut up when I/we told you to.

I/we punched you in the face. No, wait, I’m/we’re not sorry.

I/We papercut you til you cried like a little girl. Whoops!

Sincerely,

____________________

* * *

PS… I quit smoking today. Again. This time I mean it.

Random Song-for-the-Day: “The Chain” – Fleetwood Mac

Posted in Little Bits of Stupid | 3 Comments

3 Responses to All Hail the Empress of NYC!

  1. BeckEye says:

    I need that one about not really being late. I have tardiness issues.

    Les Says: I have discovered that the less one cares, the more power one has. Works extremely well for tardiness, among other things. For example, one does NOT arrive late saying, “Sorry I’m late.” One arrives late saying, “Traffic sucks. What’d I miss?” Problem solved, yes?

  2. MotherPie says:

    WElcome to the ex-smoker’s club. I was the flower girl in the Marlboro Man’s wedding (he was one of the non-smoking Marlboro Men, I think).

    As for time, I’m time challenged. I enjoy the moment so much that I don’t pay attention to time. I’m forever, always late.

    Les Says: I’m afraid I’ve been kicked out of the “ex-smoker’s club” more often than I’ve been welcomed in.

    As far as time goes (and boy, does it! 15 minutes ago, I was 21…), I’ve wasted too much of it “enjoying the moment” and regretting much of it. I’m working on what comes next now. I’m enjoying that after a fashion.

  3. Rhea says:

    I just got around to reading this. A very useful form letter, indeed.

    Les Says: Yes, I thought so, too.

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