Yes: All Hail Shirley the Great, for allowing such a lowly peon as myself to repost this wondrous epistle. She built this form letter to save time, I think. She also gave me express permission to rip it right off, but I will pay homage to her regardless. She has spectacular ideas. Boy, do I have plans to make…
I’m/We’re sorry that…
I/we peed on ____________. I/We thought pee would actually improve it.
I/we stuck ___________ on your __________. I/We thought it would actually improve it.
I/we trampled you during a fire drill. Please note that in the case of a real emergency, I/we would have more respect for your life & safety.
I’m/We’re late. Actually, your clock’s wrong, I’m/we’re perfectly on time.
I’m/We’re late. Whoopsie daisie! It’s because a baby carriage got stuck underneath a city bus & only I/we was/were able to lift it and save the day.
I/We killed your mom. It was an accident. It will never happen again. Plus, this may the best time to tell you, you were adopted anyway.
I/We ran over your dog while test driving a luxury sedan. He/She ran onto the lawn without warning!
I/We drank all your bourbon / scotch / vodka / rum / tequila and now my/our head(s) hurt. I/We deserve that. Please buy more booze.
I/We shot you in the foot/face/ass. I/We totally didn’t mean to. You should’ve danced/ducked/shut up when I/we told you to.
I/we punched you in the face. No, wait, I’m/we’re not sorry.
I/We papercut you til you cried like a little girl. Whoops!
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PS… I quit smoking today. Again. This time I mean it.
Random Song-for-the-Day: “The Chain” – Fleetwood Mac