Apr

24

This is About as Exciting as It Gets…
Lazin' Around
Lazin' Around

Lazin’ Around…
Taken February 25, 2008 with
Canon PowerShot A550
© Les Becker, 2008

My life is fairly straight-forward and routine-oriented. I really like it that way. If there’s going to be any excitement, I’d like to plan it, trouble-shoot it, and control all aspects of it, thank you very much.

Patchouli, the cute little fur-ball you see above, feels otherwise. She has, in fact, been the cause of many incidents of “excitement” around here, much to my dismay. She revels in causing emergency situations calling for cool heads. I don’t deal well with emergencies, if you must know.

When Patchouli pulled a heavy table-top down on her head a couple of years ago (did you know it’s possible for cat shit to come out both ends of a cat at the same time?), my way of dealing with it was to scream and cry a lot. She survived, obviously, but the credit goes to the thankfully cooler heads that were actively prevailing at the time. You’d never know the cat got bonked, except that she’s a little retarded, now.

Okay, maybe more than a little retarded.

She likes to squish herself through the 2-inch width of open window by my desk, to sit on the 2-inch width of ledge – the only thing keeping her retarded little head from meeting the pavement of John Street before being squashed flat by a truck. She sits on the other side of the glass, smiling at me, waiting for the panic attack.

She also likes to sit beside one of the many candles that burn here every evening, twitching her tail through the flame. Smiling. I keep waiting for the Whooomph! that will signal the beginning of her painful demise…

Yesterday being Wednesday, the kuckiest day of the week, historically speaking, I spent the evening indulging in my weekly habit of tub-soaking in a dim bathroom, radio playing, candles burning, bath oil oiling… and my face painted with one of those “stress-relieving” facial masques that are supposed to suck out all the day’s tensions while erasing 40 years’ worth of wrinkles at the same time.

I’ve never actually seen my face with this goop on – I don’t have the guts to look, truthfully – but it looks yellow coming out of the jar, at least by candlelight, so I can just imagine the vision I must be while wearing it.

For the full effect, you must imagine me, as well, with my hair yanked back and tucked into a shower-cap. Oh yeah…. and naked. That got you laughing, right?

Anyway….

Patchouli likes to keep me company in the bathroom on Wednesday evenings. It’s the candles, of course – the flames fascinate her, and she loves to sit on the vanity and watch the reflection of the candles in the mirror, twitching her tail back and forth…

I got sick of hauling myself up and out of the tub every two minutes to put her down on the floor. Aside from getting car hair all over my wet hands, and then transferring it into the bath water, there was also a good chance I’d catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror and scare the bejeezus out of myself. The thought kind of makes the idea of meditating in a hot bath by candlelight to wash Wednesday away a little laughable. As does the idea of the cat suddenly going up in flames, which is why I finally put her out the door.

I had just settled back down, with the water up to my shoulders, and my neck resting on The Turkey’s squishy bath pillow…. Siiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh……. when I heard a quack.

I did. I heard a quack and it wasn’t a duck.

It was Sheikh, the other cat that owns me. Sheikh quacks. He does. You can hear him here, if you don’t believe me…

I hadn’t noticed him sitting in the sink, but there he was. He’s “poof-ier” than Patchouli. I think that makes him more flammable. I got thinking that a better word might even be “combustible”, that’s how “poofy” he is…

Well, the vision ran away with me, and all I could imagine was that Whooomph! sound, followed by shrieking coming from either me or the cat, or both, and Sheikh flying down the hall, in flames, followed by myself, dripping wet and naked except for my shower cap and my face painted yellow, screaming, “The cat’s on fire! The cat’s on fire!”

And I got laughing. Hysterically. Out loud.

I KNOW!!!

I could just imagine The Guy Across the Hall on the other side of the bathroom wall, wondering what all the laughing and quacking in my bathroom was about…

I haven’t decided how well yellow facial-masques or bath oil or candles work for relieving stress and tension. I do know that laughter works wonders.

* * *

P.S. A very special Thank You to David McMahon for awarding me the ever-elusive Post-of-the-Day Award for “Mein Kluben! Mein Kluben!” My dad was tickled pink when he heard the news (my mom wanted to know if there was any money in it…)

Random Song-for-the-Day: “The Animal I’ve Become” – 3 Days Grace

~
"The Waitress, the Whiskey & the Handcuffs" is for sale in digital and paper formats at
The Les Becker Bookshop.
Posted in Fur-Babies, Little Bits of Stupid, Wednesday, Zenishness... | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

11 Responses to This is About as Exciting as It Gets…

  1. Elle says:

    ::::dancing around the keyboard:::: she’s back, she’s baaaaack, woohoooohooo. Ahem. You know, i had a cat that quacked too. It was when she was trying to meow while purring. Sounded just like Sheikh. Did you know alligators make sort of a quacking/croaking noise? Or maybe that’s alligators who’ve swallowed ducks?

    Les Says: ROTFL!! Well, when I get down there, Shetbag, we’s gonna cut us open one of them there ‘gators and git us some ducks for supper. YEEEEHAW!

  2. Suzi says:

    Funny you should blog this today, because earlier, I was told the story of my cousin’s cat who lit its tail on fire by swooshing it through the flame of a candle, and now the tail is shaped like a hockey stick. A hairless hockey stick.

    Les Says: LOL! Oh. My. Gawd. I shouldn’t laugh at that, should I? Every time I think about candles and cat’s tails now, I picture flames on legs, setting bits of the house on fire as they flit in a panic from one room to another, screaming.

    Can’t help but laugh, can I?

  3. Shrinky says:

    Hey there bonny lass, how’s it going?

    Sorry I went AWOL (ow, will you leave off with the thumps for a minute here?), but “stuff” kept tripping me up on my way over. Anyway, glad I made it!

    Ha, so funny you should post about a brain damaged moggy just as I put one up about my mentally retarded ex-hound. It’s true, if it can happen to kids, it certainly can happen to pets (I’m allowed to get away with stuff like that on account of Sam, bless him). Gee, what a glam picture you paint of yourself, that’s no way to attract a fella’, this comes from a girl who is currently typing with her spec’s sticky-taped together – I jest you not – so maybe I shouldn’t be throwing any stones.

    How’s Ruby? Give her a hug from me (grin).

    Les Says: Yes, I read about poor little Morse last night… as I recall, though, he came to you already bonkers; it’s not like you crushed his head after the fact, so you’re in the clear.

    And my portrayal of me own self is about as “glam” as I get. The fellas can suffer without me, thanks. 😉 Actually, I’m working on a “bit” that’s a fictionalized take-off of what not to say in the check-out line, so as NOT to attract one, thank you. That’ll be up here some time after the next Ruby story – who, BTW, is alive and well, kickin’ and bitchin’ as only Ruby can. I’ll send your love – she’ll be glad to hear from you.

  4. cardiogirl says:

    I had to check out the quack. I did. And yes, ma’am. That sounds like a cat quacking. And that’s a lot of combustible fur to be hanging around lit candles. But you do live in Canada, so a hockey stick shaped tale would probably serve the cat well. You know, should that happen.

    Les Says: Something tells me that if Sheikh went up in flames, he’d end up looking more like a hockey puck than a hockey stick… as it is, we already have to make Patchouli wear a helmet, so maybe there’s more hope for her in that “arena”… har har. 😀

  5. Aimee says:

    OMG that’s too funny! I mean not funny in that nobody likes to see a cat on fire, but, you know. Way funnier than, oops my kids left out chocolate, the dog ate it and got sick all over my house while I was supposed to be relaxing funny.

    Les Says: I KNOW!! You should have heard me laughing in the bathroom!

  6. Mushy says:

    I enjoyed everything but the freakin’ cat hair in my mouth!

    You know I can’t stand that!

    Oh why didn’t the whooomph happen?!

    Les Says: Mushy if you don’t want cat hair in your mouth, you’ll have to keep your face out of my bath water!

    And I don’t know why the whooomph didn’t happen, but I’m glad it didn’t – I wasn’t exactly dressed for panic mode…

  7. Cindy says:

    I laughed till the tears ran- not at a flaming cat, but the rest of the imagery was just hilarious.

    Les Says: Well, I guess that’s what I was going for… 😉

    (How pitiful my life is – Sigh…*)

    Glad you enjoyed it, Cindy.

  8. Cindy says:

    and PS- what is this anyway? Seems like everyone is having the same kind of day lately!

    Les Says: I KNOW!!! I’m accustomed to being the odd one out, and going AGAINST the crowd, so to speak. Strange to be hangin’ with the “In” crowd – stranger still that it’s all about insane/flammable pets…

  9. Sheta says:

    Lovely post! Very amusing and endearing. Wonderful storytelling. 🙂

    Les Says: Thank you, Sheta! It’s nice to see you here… please come back soon!

  10. quilly says:

    And here I am laughing out loud and crying! Wonderful story!

    Les Says: Thanks, Quilly… hope you didn’t drown your keyboard. 😀 Nice to see you again!

  11. Every time I think I’m missing something by not having a pet or kids, I come across stories like this and am reminded that, indeed, I am missing some things, but also other things.

    Still, they all must be worth more than the trouble they cause. *g*

    Les Says: With absolute truth and honesty, Arachne, I can say this: although I love them fiercely, and wouldn’t trade them for the world, after these cats are “gone”, there will be no more pets. Ever.

    I can also say this, with all truth and honesty – I was so grateful when my daughter was born, because I knew there would never be any more… and when we hit “potty-training”, I was grateful that there would never be any more… 😉

    Thanks for coming by – hope to see you again soon.

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