Beam Me Up, Scotty…

larrydarryldarrylOne has a crinkly beard that grows half-way down his chest. I’m not sure how he manages to keep hammers and such from becoming entangled. Perhaps that’s where he stores his tools?

One wears suspenders, which I find odd; he looks to be all of 20 years old, and I’ve never seen anyone wear suspenders with industrial workwear before today. Then again, I’ve never claimed to be a fashionista.

The third is the only one who speaks. Loudly. It’s like Larry, Darryl and Darryl, without the flannel.

Roofers.

When I first moved into this building, I screamed every time a truck went by, because the whole building shakes. Like, really shakes. Enough to make windows rattle, pictures skew on the walls, computer cables jiggle out of their ports, and realtors powerless to impress clients with the “positive” features. Sometimes things on shelves shimmy just close enough to the edges to sit wobbling, unnoticed, until I walk under them later. It’s an exciting place to live.

I grew accustomed to the trucks, eventually, and I automatically push all the cables true before I boot up in the morning, now. And I’m no longer afraid of earthquakes. California, here I come.

But, Roofers! Roofers have tools that make truck drivers jealous of the power [INSERT “MANLY TOOL-TIME TIM” GRUNTING HERE]. There’s a guy up a ladder cutting a hole through what seems to be six layers of the laundry room ceiling right now. I think it’s Darryl #1, but I can’t be sure because he is now nearly waist-deep through most of those layers. I suppose I’ll know it was him if his beard is noticeably shorter later.

The ladder is tall enough to scrape the ceiling – I’m not sure how they got it up the stairs and through two short doorways (not to mention around two corners), but it took all three of them. I wish I could post pics, but there is no room in there for me. And the floor is jiggling enough that I’m nervous to walk around; so this is what it’s like to literally “walk on air”.

Anyway… whatever saw-thingy Darryl is using, it puts transports to shame. I’ve finally got the answer to what would happen to the building if trucks were to go by in a steady stream instead of just two or three in a row. The shake turns to a “thrum” – like how your jaw thrums when the hygienist uses the cleaner-thingy on you – only the cleaner-thingy would be the size of a Volkswagon, and it’s Gulliver getting his teeth cleaned.

The longer Darryl saws, the stronger the thrum is getting. This is what my cell-phone feels when I turn the vibrate-alert on, I’m certain. The whole building feels like it’s about to spout fire at the base and launch upward. I can’t wait to find out what happens next. Hopefully, it won’t be me and my chair hitting pavement.

***

UPDATE: 12:36 PM – What Happens Next…

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Cats shriek in terror. Continuously.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Les considers abandoning building for the nearest bar, Roofers be damned. Let them climb in from the hole in the laundry room ceiling. I think I heard bricks falling on Cathcart Street, I swear.

UPDATE: 5:08 PM – What’s Happening Now…

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

I thought, a couple of hours ago, that they had gone home. Apparently they just wore out the first car they were dropping, and left to get another. It feels like a much bigger car.

Not-So-Random Song for the Day: “Space Oddity” – David Bowie

11 Replies to “Beam Me Up, Scotty…”

  1. Jeez girl, are you back on form! You really are a writer, aren’t you? I nearly peed my pants, laughing. Top marks for the astute humour, when it seems the whole house is about to crash down around you.. what does she do? She writes a post! You’re really something, you are. x

    Les takes a bow and a curtain call… whilst clinging to the walls in terror.

  2. ps. May need to step away from my blog for a short while, but you know where I am if you need to find me. I have some bruised feelings being laid at my door. I am such a sensitive soul, I can”t imagine how that could have happened..ah, well.

    Les Says: Beer. Honest, it’ll help. And I’m sure I’ll need you, and will find you… ‘cuz I am, unfortunately, quit with the beer for the time being. Sigh…*

  3. Mmmm, a 20 year old, quiet, maybe not-too-bright roofer wearing suspenders (with, I imagine nothing underneath). Right up my alley. Can you ask him to come by my place? 😉

    Les Says: Why, sure, Beck… but, as he doesn’t speak, I don’t know what his “reply” will be. Maybe he’ll just nod. I’ll give him your email address, is that okay?

  4. All the roofers I have had work at my house were scary convict looking guys, along with all the movers I used.
    I say abandon ship, er house….

    Les Says: I chose to fight back in my own small way: I put new legs on my kitchen table top (or maybe that’s put a new top on my old kitchen table legs)… It’s been all BANG! BANG! BANG! (the car they are dropping on the roof over and over…), and Zing! Zing! Zing! (my whiny, puny, little cordless drill…), and SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!! (in stereo, from the cats) for the last hour. And I think Ky’s rat may have committed suicide.

    I REALLY want a beer.

  5. Hey Les,

    Do you live in Montreal? I was imagining all this racket around you, and I thought Cathcart St. sounds familiar (altho God knows how many streets in other countries are called this!) but just a gut feel, so thought I would ask!

    cheers,
    Cecilia

    Les Says: No, but I’ve been to Montreal. They made me get back on the plane.

  6. Okay, I totally understand the BANG! BANG! BANG!, but why, oh, WHY do they have a big, beezery saw?! What do roofers need to cut? Holes in roofs, so they can justify their existence? You picked the wrong time to give up booze.

    Les Says: Funny you should say… these guys, actually (well, Larry, anyway) seem to know what they’re doing. I had a leak in the laundry room ceiling – small leak – last spring. Last summer, some other roofer-type personages came to fix the roofish side of things. Landlady’s son then put up a new laundry room ceiling. Next time it rained… hmmmm…. It’s taken this long to find another roofer; who had to cut AROUND the hole now formed in the brand new, soggy ceiling, and pull out all kinds of mushy crap. Building gets a whole new roof, though. Woo-Hoo! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    That’s it. I’m buying beer.

  7. We have roofers at our place right now but I’m at work so I can’t hear them. My wife has left the building and volunteered at the princess’s school for the week again so she’s safe too.

    Actually I’d like to be there when they replace the skylight coz I wanna make faces and fire paper clips at them.

    Les Says: Considering how long it took to get a roofing company to even show up, I’m going to refrain from pissing them off if at all possible… but now I’m really jealous of the skylight.

  8. WELL!?!? My Idol recap is up, so where are your comments? Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!!!!

    🙂

    Les Says: I commented! I commented, already; sheesh! (You made me wait a REALLY long time. You are worse than a roofer.)

  9. One, I thought I’d visit you for a change. And two, hang in there. I had a bathroom modeled a few years back, which was around the time I learned to pee in a coffee cup.

    Les Says: …The latest is that Larry is considering buying the building and renovating. Please send me a step-by-step on your coffee cup trick. If that fails, well, I guess there’s always the catbox.

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