I spent yesterday enveloped in a strange mood… and it’s carried over into today: an odd kind of feeling that I can’t quite place, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before; not in my entire life. I’m not particularly “old”, as of yet, but neither could I be called particularly “young” (No. I refuse to be “middle-aged”). I’m a little confused that I can’t actually remember ever having had this particular feeling before. Not once. Not even for a split second.
It’s not a bad feeling, but it’s not what I can definitively call a good feeling, either. Kind of a stillness in the middle of my head. Calmness…? Is that a feeling?
I don’t know what brought it on. Was it that I was finally back in more familiar routines again yesterday? That I had a Walk-About to my parents’ place for the first Saturday in a several weeks? That my camera comes with me everywhere again? I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter. It’s there. I keep checking, and it’s still there.
I don’t know what this feeling is, but I’m managing to figure out what it’s not, which gets me closer to a label, maybe.
It isn’t “peace”, and yet, because of this feeling of whatever-it-is, I do feel more at peace with myself.
It isn’t “happiness”, although I’ve been in a happy mood more often than not, lately.
At the same time, something is missing. It almost feels like a huge pressure has been lifted, and I thought at first that it was that I’m employed again, but that’s not it. “Broke” is a state of being that I’m accustomed to, can live with when need be, and I’ve never been in extreme danger of absolute poverty in any case.
But something is gone, and whatever it is, it was something I shouldn’t have been carrying around, didn’t know I was carrying around, and whatever it was, I’m glad it’s gone. Whatever it is that’s there instead isn’t exciting, or dramatic, or blissful or wonderful. It just is, and I’m grateful for it.
I hope I get to keep it.
Random Song for the Day: “Freeze Frame” – J. Geils Band