Wanted: Nanny

Not Necessarily
THIS Nanny…

“Gramma-Lady” type characteristics. Cooking, laundry and cleaning MANDATORY (yes, windows, too). Must be willing to endure ear-splitting decibels of all genres of music. Dancing to same will be considered an asset by the employer. Must have excellent bar-tending skills, most especially in the Art of the Cuba Libre, and the Dirty Martini. Must be fluent in Cat, Teen-Ager, and Gibberish.

Communication requirements minimal, but the following phrases should be memorized:

“Sit. Write. Eat.”

“Your bath is ready.”

“Your clothes are here, laid out in the order in which they should be put on.”

“Don’t forget your camera.”

“CSI is starting.”

“Of course it’s not too early to have a beer, silly! I’ll get one for you.”

Phone skills – To be memorized: “The Lady, she no home.”

Apply Where the Walls are Soft. All applications will be seriously considered.

Not-So-Random Song for the Day: “It’s a Hard Life” – Queen

12 Replies to “Wanted: Nanny”

  1. I have two questions: Salary range? and would you be willing to relocate?

    Les Says: Dammit. I KNEW someone would ask about money. Relocate? Hell, yeah! Maybe, that’s all I really need… to get the Mobile Dream in effect and then my Blog-Family can rotate for the Nanny position… you know you’re on the list, right, Denise? Lucha would no doubt be a great beer-fetcher.

  2. Best of luck in your search…I figure if I can’t get my wife to do all that it’s going to be simply impossible to train another to do the job!

    Les Says: Guess that answers the nagging question of “Maybe I should be advertising for a ‘wife’ instead…?” Thanks for the heads-up, Mushy.

  3. I need to teach my kids to answer the phone with that statement:

    β€œThe Lady, she no home.”

    Les Says: I use it mainly for telemarketers when I’m not in the mood to play with them. I am obviously very easily amused.

  4. I thought for a split second that you said “flatulent in cat.” Got that covered babe. I guess the difference between a guy and gal in this search may be that I didn’t notice a requirement for sexuall favors in the deal. Personally, I’d want her to be skilled, scrub me down with a very expencive suds in a shower the size of a small house, and leave me smilin’ like the cat that nabbed the canary. That’s just me though.

    Les Says: “Flatulent in Cat” would probably work, too…

  5. Hey, I would like one of those, too. Let me know how that goes, and if the one you find has a sibling.

    Les Says: I dunno… I’m kind of liking the idea of going TO the Nanny – the temporary, bloggery kind. You know, like, when I get to Minnesota, the Ref-Nanny could have the “Here is your gun, Lady,” phrase memorized. And the Long Lens-Nanny could have the “Here, I caulked this for you, Lady,” phrase memorized. And, to be fair, EVERYBODY could feed me and hand me a drink in turn.

  6. Hmm, if you reject anyone for the job, send ’em along to me. I really need somebody that can do laundry and fetch me drinks πŸ™‚

    Les Says: You can have any transvestites that apply. Deal…? πŸ˜€

  7. When you fire her after she dances into something and breaks it, send her my way please, I have no breakables.

    Les Says: I have nothing valuable OR breakable. Just dirty stuff I’m sick of cleaning.

  8. Flatulent in cat would be bad. Cat farts stink almost as bad as husband farts.

    And if you get any applicants from down south who don’t want to relocate to the tundra, let me know. πŸ™‚

    Les Says: I’ll trade you two flatulent cats (and a large, hairy, apparently cat-flatulent Texan) for one flatulent husband, assuming he does dishes, what say?

    PS Welcome back to the blogosphere. You’ve been missed.

  9. The search is on. Now, let me get this straight: You want a flatulant Yummy Muummy who does not speak educated English and is brave enough to scare the bejabbers out of the kids and can remember where you dropped your camera and knows what a refrigerator is made for. Is that right?
    Sorry, if I had one of those, I don;’t think I’d share.

    Les Says: “Yummy Mummy”? Ewww. No. You can have that one.

  10. Just came back to see if you had updated and realized I missed the pull quote the first time around. LOVE that pull quote.

    The lady. She no home. Classic.

    Les Says: Damn. I just realized that I didn’t put one up for the latest post. Thanks for reminding me!

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