Goodbye, Captain Underpants…

"The Tattered and Worn"
“The Tattered and Worn”
Taken November 10, 2007 with Canon PowerShot A550

Tattered and worn is how Ky and I both feel about now. Our move of residence is imminent. As in, Today.

I hate moving. I wanted to space it all out over a period of a couple of weeks, and the plan was working for awhile, even. The J.O.B., though, has me worn out. When I’m there, I’m thinking of all the packing still left to do, and when I’m here, I’m too overwhelmed and “procrastinatey” to get much done.

I don’t have to be completely gone from this building until the 31st, but The Fly-Girl’s wedding reception is on the 30th, which requires an overnight… and nope- can’t book the following day off for the last little pickings involved in moving house, so I’m hoping I can get it done ahead of the celebrations. And that I’m not hungover at work the day after the dog bites me.

I hate moving. I said that already, didn’t I? Well, I hate it even more now, than two paragraphs ago.

We’ve been chauffering little stuff in boxes over since the 15th, with much of it going the opposite direction to the charity drop. I’m forced to abandon items that I would have clung to fiercely a year ago, and I’m surprisingly at peace doing so. There is no room for more than is absolutely necessary, and no storage space. At. All. The place we’re moving into is even smaller than the one we’re leaving. I wouldn’t have thought that to be possible, but…

I took the place sight unseen (or is that site unseen? Whatever.), because every apartment I did look at was filthy. And expensive. And filthy. I considered buying a small house. Even looked at a couple. They were filthy, too.

And then Ruby suggested I check into an apartment above a store, right around the corner from her. She figured that even if they didn’t have anything available, they might know who owned the really well-kept up, retrofitted house next to them. Turns out “they” own both buildings, and a basement apartment would be available in the retro just in time for me.

It was small, they said. Very small. Newly renovated, though, with new fixtures, and floors, and appliances, and cupboards, and a sauna. Convincing Ky to take an unseen apartment (with a sauna) was actually a simple procedure: “Want a sauna?” “Duh! YES!!!”

I stood outside the building, not being able to see the place, yet, because of the squatter that refused to leave it, and pictured a full basement. I convinced myself that if it wasn’t bigger than the place we were leaving, it at least had to be close to the same size.

I paid a deposit. And the landlord hit me with another zinger.

We have no walls.

Hmmmm…. Okay, so it will be a Basement Loft with Sauna, then, won’t it? I signed a contract, and wrote out a bunch of post-dated checks. Accepted a key, and signed for that.

On the 15th, we went to see it.

It’s about this big.

Well, the new landlord tried to warn me, didn’t he? I’m taking it anyway, though. I can’t imagine looking at any more filthy, little expensive places…

There are all those pluses, too… I could spit and hit Ruby’s door… security parking for Prissy, behind a chain-link fence, complete with barbed-wire ruffles at the top… cheap rent, all inclusive… decent landlord…. the new everything he put in the place… Oh and did I mention

The Sauna?

And I’ll be glad to get out of this place, finally. It’s not the same without Ruby at the helm, and about the only things I’ll miss are the considerable whack-jobs populating the block.. like Captain Underpants, who moved in across the street last winter, and introduced himself to the neighbourhood by walking around barefoot in the snow, wearing nothing but his green boxers, beer in hand, yelling “Howdy!” to everybody he saw. Every day.

Now that the snow is gone, he yells from his kitchen window. I don’t think Captain Underpants likes heat. At least I know I won’t find him in my sauna some day.

Random Song-for-the-Day: “i am the walrus” – The Beatles

15 Replies to “Goodbye, Captain Underpants…”

  1. It’s wrong for me to laugh but when you use words like ‘procrastinatey’ and tell me you hate something even more than you did 2 paragraphs ago, well, that’s just funny.

    Good luck with all the moving and shaking. I hope the sauna doesn’t turn out to be a hotplate!

    Les Says: Nah, Dale, it’s not wrong to laugh. It’s going for the laugh that keeps me from killing people at times like these. And that’s why I like you so much – you laugh in all the right places (hey, where’s my kitten-mittens, btw?!).

    And the sauna actually HAS walls… and is bigger than Ky’s bedroom… which doesn’t have walls. Maybe she’ll end up sleeping in there?

  2. You hate moving more than you did two paragraphs ago? THAT was hilarious!

    Well-written post. I feel your pain. Not because I’m moving (though I do hate it, too), but your writing made me feel it.

    And I’m thinking about anything would be better than Captain Underpants! As long as it’s not filthy. And expensive.

    Les Says: I don’t know… Captain Underpants was pretty cool – from the second floor window perspective, anyway. And he’s not the only one I’ll miss experiencing, either. I obviously have no life… πŸ˜‰

    Nor will I get moved, if I keep stopping to check the comments! LOL!

  3. May the God of Moving place his hand on your brow, Les.

    Les Says: I’m more hoping He renders me unconscious for the duration and takes care of it all Himself, David, but thanks for the good thoughts. πŸ™‚

  4. I wish we could round up a posse of your blog readers and a couple of pick-up trucks, get you all packed and moved in half a day, then squeeze into your teeny new place and order pizza, which we would eat while sitting on top of boxes. After that, we could build a few walls.

    That’d be way better than trying to overcome the procrastinatey.

    Les Says: Agreed. I will halt everything until you all arrive. Except for the beer and pizza order.

    Hurry up.

  5. Yep, well written as usual. I sure hope you like it or find something more pleasing soon.

    Please don’t become Princess Underpants…unless you send photos!

    Les Says: Well, I like it so far, small and all. Let’s hope I’m just as happy once all the furniture is in there… assuming we can GET all the furniture in there!

  6. Captain Underpants lived down our street for awhile, I’m certain of it. Except he was wearing tiny purple speedos and sunbathing on his roof.
    Good luck with the moving, it’s ranked up there with the stress of giving birth to a herd of elephants.

    Les Says: A herd of elephants would be most helpful right now, too…

  7. You know I would move heaven and earth to help you move, all for an hour, uninterrupted in the sauna. Right?

    Les Says: You will have many hours in the sauna, Betch. Uninterrupted? Mmmm…. meh. Prolly not.

  8. Les right now I am in the process of moving as well, and let me tell you, I will be so happy once I am out of the house I am in, like the house is alright, but my landlord is a real piece of work… Although I will be happy to move, I will miss the Sault…

    Les Says: We’ll miss you, too, Nathan… the J.O.B. won’t be the same, now. You’ll come visit me here, though, right…? πŸ™

  9. Just so you know, Suzi does not speak for me. I can’t make it, I’m washing my hair that day/night/weekend. πŸ™‚

    Les Says: …and making my mittens. Don’t forget my mittens, Dale – winter is around the corner.

  10. Oh my you are brave to take a place sight unseen! Moving as we all now is among the most rotten experiences one can have.. but you have a sauna to rest from your exertions!
    Captain Underpants, huh? We had one of those….

    Les Says: I’ve slept here for three nights. Haven’t had a sauna yet, can you believe that?! No time, dammit! Snarl!

  11. Okay, all I have is a smallish Saturn, and a medium sized boy. The vampire blackjack dealer could amuse us all with strange card tricks, though. And we’d be an enormous help in the eating pizza/drinking beer category. All in the name of lessening procrastinatey.

    Les Says: So far, no pizza (what the hell kind of move IS this?!), just a shitload of crab legs and lobster tails, with thanks to Fluffy-the-Car-Shark. πŸ˜€

    And beer…

    And rum…

    And my legs hurt from too many flights of stairs over and over and over again… and a lazy-arse child who flakes on me after picking up Box Number Two…

  12. Wow. You got a kid to pick up BOX NUMBER TWO? Holy shitski, man, that’s a miracle.

    I hate moving with the passionate heat of a thousand suns. Nay, a million. Hope it all went well…it’s amazing the stuff you’ll find you can live without. The last time I looked at all my “stuff”, I said to myself…Self? Is it really worth it to haul this crapola 800 miles?

    Sure did make it easier to prioritize.

    Great post — hopefully, you’re in the sauna even as we speak. *sigh*

    Les Says: Sigh…*, too. πŸ™ I STILL have not had a sauna! Between the J.O.B., moving boxes and furniture and RE-BUYING furniture to replace furniture that WOULD NOT GO THROUGH THE F-ING DOOR, and trying to get furniture storage for furniture that won’t fit but cannot be gotten rid of (pain of death/family heirloom issues) and Impending Wedding Reception/Future Hang-Over Concerns and a sauna full of teenage girls, I can’t get my turn.

    800 MILES?! I’m moving a little over 800 yards, I think. I can’t imagine what you went through! And no. I don’t want details, please. πŸ˜‰

  13. Captain Underpants now lives in Warsaw, NY. We’re hoping that as the weather continues to cool down that he will either A. put on some real clothes. or B. go inside out of our sight.

    Les Says: I really miss Captain Underpants… I can’t hear anything from outside in the new place at all, which might actually be a good thing, considering that if I DID hear anything “interesting”, I wouldn’t be able to see it happen.

    This, apparently, is the biggest hurdle of transition: we’re fairly isolated/insulated below ground. The hermit side of me likes this very much… the people-watcher side of me is jonesing something fierce.

  14. Your post about moving was refreshing, because it contains some actual humor, writing style and creativity. Thanks for the lift in this massive blogosphere.

    Les Says: Well, thank you. I’ll try to stay funny in the face of all the mundane. πŸ˜€

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