Guess What I Found on the “Dance Floor”…?

Is It, or Isn't It...?Taken November 7, 2008 with Canon PowerShot A550In a Parking Lot, Wellington St West, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada
Is It, or Isn’t It…?
Taken November 7, 2008 with Canon PowerShot A550
In a Parking Lot, Wellington St West, Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada

Right, so I worked a night shift today (or last night), and have not yet slept, although I’m working through the night again tomorrow (or today [or tonight]).

You’ll have to excuse me; my brains have had a stir. See above.

It’s a lonely vigil, the night shift. There’s nobody else to dance with, for one thing. Not that I mind dancing alone (and I do dance in the parking lot all by myself, through the long night. I do.), but there are fewer 5-minute conversations, because there are fewer people – which is why I’m alone to begin with; fewer people to deal with means no side-kick for Les to dance with – and those few people tend to be tired and grumpy. Especially when it rains.

Myself, I like the rain in the middle of the night. I don’t have to sweep the “dance floor” in the rain, although I kind of like that part of the job. It’s rhythmic and soothing, and sometimes I find cool things. Like money – in 5 cent, 10 cent, 2-bits, and sometimes (gasp!) even whole dollar increments.

And then there’s that thing at the top of the page, stuck up there before the words start. Yes, it does look like that, doesn’t it? Or what I’ve always imagined that that would look like, if ever I encountered it, and up until I came across that ziploc bag while sweeping prior to the rain in the middle of last night, I had never encountered it.

If that’s what it really is, anyway.

And you know I’m not going to tell you that, at least, until the end of the story, right?


I’m going to interrupt here, one day later, to add some audio. With thanks to Suzi and Dale, I’ve worked up the guts to record the remaining portion of this post, as practice for The Waitress AudioBook project – you know, test the equipment and software, find my public speaking voice again, blah, blah, blah.

I’m pleased to say, that I dropped back into it with very few mishaps, and no tears whatsoever. In fact, I actually enjoyed myself, which I wouldn’t have believed possible, previously. I may just do this again.

Click the link – have a listen – read along. Sorry about the lack of a bouncing ball to follow, but maybe I’ll work that in when I switch the blog over to flash, which should happen sometime next decade with the flash conversion success rate that I boast…


Radio Les!

Guess What I Found in the Parking Lot? – ยฉ Les Becker, 2008
Click it! Click it!

(You know you want to…)


I stand there in the parking lot, broom in hand, staring down at this ziploc bag, and nudge it with the very manly steel-toed toe of my very manly steel-toed boot…. and I look around as nonchalantly as is possible when one comes across what might be seriously illegal ziploc baggie-filler in the middle of the night at one’s place of employment, with Han Solo’s voice running through my head: “I don’t know! Fly casual!” Or, in this case, sweep casual….

Eventually, I get up the guts to pick it up. It’s heavier than I would have imagined cocaine would be; packed into a hard little, perfect little, ultra-thin zippo-lighter-sized rectanglular-shaped brick.

A nasty thought strikes me: Is this some kind of test?!

Not a “set up from the Boss” kind of test… I’m thinking more along the lines of God, or the Universe, or Whomever/Whatever really runs things… a kind of like, “Here! Have some of this. Free, even!” kind of test. I mean, if I had found a baggie of pot in the parking lot in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t be blogging this.

And I’m pretty sure I’d be sound asleep right now, too… ๐Ÿ˜€

But it very obviously isn’t pot… and I’ve no idea if it’s what I think it might be, which is coke, and on top of that, no idea if, assuming I had the opportunity/nerve to open it up, I would be able to tell cocaine from anything else that might resemble cocaine.

All I really know, is that whatever it is or isn’t, it’s illegal, and I’d better “do the right thing”, or risk arrest, and the loss of my groovy-cool new J.O.B.

So, what’s the “right thing to do”?

Do I sneak off to the bathroom and unwrap the thing…? No. I’m not worried about temptation (although wouldn’t that be a bugger – to crawl out from under, find a job I like for a change, and then get hooked on coke in the employee bathroom the first time out because I found somebody’s lost stash and thought, “Ah, what the hell…?”), but opening it up wouldn’t exactly look good on me later, would it?

Do I take it in to the “inside” side of the parking lot, to Pretty Girl who’s working tonight and Show and Tell it to her? I decide against… Pretty Girl is nice (she dances when I tell her to), but I don’t really know her that well. What if she’s a coke-head? It could happen – maybe she dropped it.

I decide to go inside and call the Boss – yes, wake him up out of a sound sleep, and ask him what to do. That’s the ticket.

At which point, a 5-Minute Conversationalist rolls up to park, grumpy as all hell, and I stuff the baggie in my pocket and go conversate.

And then I forget all about it.

I KNOW!!! Can you imagine?!

But that’s what I do… until the sun rises, and I’m suddenly surrounded by 5-Minute Conversationalists and it isn’t until the Boss pulls up and parks that I remember it.

And then shift-change is upon us, and things go nuts, because we have to shut everything down for a whole minute-and-a-half and all the grumpy 5-Minute Conversationalists are freaking because they have to wait for their conversations, and by the time it calms down and I’m free to talk to the Boss about the baggie full of drugs I found in his parking lot, my Idiot Child (now don’t come down on me for renaming my formerly wonderful albeit sometimes stupid kid – she’s a full-blown teenager now, clinically insane and has recently earned the new name, believe me) comes flying into the fray to tell me she missed her bus, and can I please, please drive her all the way to the far edge of town to school?

To which I find myself driving in a downpour, with a minor child, and me with no purse (hence, no driver’s license), with my pockets stuffed full of cocaine.

I’m certain I’m going to be stopped for driving erratically. I am, in point of fact, driving very erratically, being in a panic about my pending arrest and all. The knowledge that I am about to become the much-honoured Family Cup Holder does not please me nearly as much as I’ve always believed it would.

I’m sure that, even if I don’t get stopped by the police, I’m certain to run a red light, plow through twenty-seven other vehicles, roll the Prissy-van, mow down a whole bloody mess of school-children, and eventually wake up from my coma in handcuffs because somebody is going to find cocaine in my pockets, dammit, and, somehow, I don’t think, “I found it in the parking lot,” is gonna fly… Nuh-uhhh.

I decide to drop my Idiot Child off at school, and then drive to the police station with my contraband and turn myself in. I’m pretty sure they’ll believe the parking lot story if I surrender the goods of my own volition, so I concentrate on not killing anyone, and driving safely, and I must be doing alright, because I turn into my driveway having had only two fists shaken in my direction, and three or four fingers, ummm, fingered at me.

Yes. I turn into my driveway… having driven by rote and gone home rather than the police station.

At this point, I decide, to hell with it all, I’m going to flush it and forget it. I get inside, lock the door, lock the bathroom door, you know, to be on the safe side, and unwrap the hard little, perfect little, ultra-thin zippo-lighter-sized rectanglular-shaped brick.

Which turns out to be a dead camera battery wrapped in a tissue and folded into a ziploc bag for recycling.

Lucky for me… because a few minutes later, I discover that my toilet won’t flush.

Some drug dealer I’d make. I’m disgusted with myself. I don’t deserve The Family Cup after all.

And Google is going to send me some wicked-weird visitors because of this post, I know it.

Not-So-Random Song-for-the-Day: “Cocaine” – Eric Clapton

19 Replies to “Guess What I Found on the “Dance Floor”…?”

  1. Excellent story! Isn’t that how it always goes? I like how you had the stress building up…

    Les Says: STRESS! Yes! That’s what that was – hardly recognized it; it’s been that long since I’ve suffered that “stress”-thing. I’m gonna have nightmares over this, I know it.

    Assuming I can sleep. Blah.

  2. Thank the lord!
    I knew someone worthy would find the Camera Battery of Power and would use the Power for Good, not Evil.
    Um…you did keep the Camera Battery of Power, didn’t you?
    You didn’t throw it away, did you?!?!
    *hyperventilates and starts singing “a knife, a fork , a bottle and a cork, that’s the way you spell New York, Cocaine, running around in my brain” *

    Les Says: I DID keep it! I DID! I DID! It sits on my desk to remind me not to be such a twit the next time I find “drugs” in the parking lot…

    Please send detailed instructions on use of the Camera Battery of Power, so I can finally be the Super Hero I was intended to be. I have tights – I must be qualified.

  3. bwahahahaaa! well I’m glad your ordeal ended on a positive note,,, kinda… at least it wasn’t in fact cocaine or any other illegal substance ๐Ÿ™‚

    Les Says: It’s not what I’d call “positive” until the toilet flushes… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. How do you know there wasn’t some coke INSIDE the battery? Those drug dealers are sharp, y’know.

    Les Says: Well, shit. Now I gotta pry it open. No sleep AGAIN – thanks, Beck.

  5. For sure I would have swept around it and feigned complete and utter ignorance.

    “Elephant? What elephant?”

    Les Says: I must say that sweeping around it and pretending not to notice an elephant of such magnitude never once crossed my mind. I DO remember wishing I’d never found it, at about the third “finger” point.

  6. Sheesh, just as well it happened to you then – me? – I would have scooped it up with plans in mind to gift it as a Christmas pressie to one or two of my not so virtuous London friends.. wink.

    Only kidding. (I would have sold it to them.)

    Les Says: I was gonna SAY! You’d give free drugs to your other friends, and I’ve gotta bring my own CHAIR when I visit?!

  7. This post was totally battery powered wasn’t it? I love your commitment to alternative energy sources Les. Highlarious.

    Les Says: Yes, it was, Dale… apparently my Super Power is re-charging dead camera batteries for alternative use. There’s gotta be a way to make money out of this.

    Psssst! Wanna buy a recently dead camera battery? Free ziploc bag! Will trade for working flushy-thing.

  8. You did it! It sounds so great Ms. Natural. Hear you again soon I hope!

    Les Says: Thank you ! “Natural” must come from wearing no pants..?

  9. That’s an interesting conundrum. I too would have thought those same thoughts. If I pick it up, will the cops burst out of the bushes, If I hand it in, will the boss snort it all, laughing at my naivete…
    If I hand it to the police… how do I get it there without being at risk of being arrested and accused of dealing?
    Will the cops take it, laugh at me as I leave, then snort it?
    If I pick it up, will a gang of bandana’d crazies kill me with a machete?

    These thoughts stem from a damaging experience. I was once in the wrong place, at the wrong time. As a result, I became a suspect in a murder enquiry. I lost my house, my job, and my sanity. I became scared to look into any alleys, bushes, dumpster etc, in case i saw a hand… or a foot… because I was sure that the police, frustrated in not finding the murderer, were preparing to manufacture evidence against me. And I’d be in jail until I was an old old man. My friends would evaporate. My family would never look me in the eye again.
    One day, I’ll write it all out. But right now, I’m sweating, my heart is pounding…
    Seven years ago. And it grips my heart like an angry fist.

    Les Says: I hope you do write it all out sometime, Soubriquet.

    Yours is a very cool blog, by the way. Thanks for the visit – hope to see you again.

  10. great post, well deserved POTD. I do hate this moral dilemmas that pop up from time to time, with our kids/their friends/and wider circle…sigh!!

    Les Says: Thankfully, my circle is no wider than kid/her friends and… nope. That’s about it. ๐Ÿ˜€

  11. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a negative side.

    Enjoyed the read. Congrats on the POTD. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Les Says: LOL! If I get a bunch of “He-Man-Woman-Hater” comments, I’m forwarding them to you, Celine.

    HOLY JOE! I just realized what POTD means! I got David’s Post of the Day with this one?! I gotta learn to pay attention.

  12. Just as I was about to start yelling, don’t taste it don’t taste it!~ LOL…I’m glad it was only a dead camera battery that some one without the grace and mobility of a Michael Jordan couldn’t seem to get into a trash bin…congratulations on Post of the Day from David

    Les Says: Thanks, Sandi… no, it was wrapped for actual recycling, so it wouldn’t have ended up in the trash. *I* was the one without grace. I SHOULD have been without mobility for the safety of the population.

  13. OMIGOSH!
    That was a really, but I mean a really good post. It was funny and heartstopping at the same time and the sort of farce that would sit nicely in the canon of the work of John Cleese or Jim Carey.

    I’m afraid I would have swept it into a corner and covered it with leaves-I’m such a wimp.

    Les Says: Ah, John Cleese…. my hero! Jim Carey, Old Rubber-Face, himself, I’m still not talking to, cuz he never comes back to Canada anymore, the bastard.

    And not a leaf to be found to bury nary a battery at MY J.O.B. When I sweep a parking lot, I sweep it GOOD.

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