The Burglar Song

Image: The Burglar Frog

The Burglar Frog
Taken July 29, 2009 with Canon PowerShot A550

Ruby has this motion sensor frog ornament in her breezeway. I don’t like the thing, because I forget that it’s there, and every time I go to visit her it croaks at me and scares the shit out of me.

Every single time.

I once asked her why she had the horrid thing, and she laughed and said, “To warn me if a burglar tries to get in.”

Since then, I’ve always referred to it as “The Burglar Frog”. It would scare a burglar away, too; I’m certain of it.

I was over there in the wee hours of the night (possibly yesterday?), and we were sitting there having our coffee and working the crossword puzzle when the Burglar Frog “went off”. I waited for a knock on the door, but none came.

“Is someone here…?” I asked Ruby.

“Why?” she wanted to know.

“Your frog just croaked,” I replied.

“Huh. I never even heard it,” Ruby said, getting up and going toward the door. “I must have a burglar.”

I didn’t particularly like hearing that and got up to try and beat her to the door. I was over there later than usual, since my sleeping patterns have all been blown to hell. It was after midnight, and although Ruby is a night owl, the idea of her answering her door to a burglar kind of made the heebie-jeebies start in me.

She still managed to get to the door first, though, because she made me pause when she called back to me, “Remind me to sing you The Burglar Song….”

We discovered no burglar… the frog was playing tricks on us. I still wanted to hear The Burglar Song, though, whatever that was, and when Ruby sang it to me, I immediately wanted to know if she would let me record it and post it here.

She agreed.

I was a little surprised at how readily she agreed. I think she’s starting to enjoy the notoriety of being my Blog Star, such as it is. Just in case she changed her mind, though, I booted it home to get the recorder (encountering no burglars), and booted it back in less than three minutes. I love living this close to her… 🙂

I powered up the recorder and she started to sing. Half-way through the song, she realized she’d left out a verse.

Take 2: She got half-way through again, and had herself a coughing jag.

Take 3: She got half-way through, and suddenly couldn’t remember one of the verses.

Take 4: Success!

I came home, not in the least bit sleepy and decided to write this post…

And my F-ing computer told me there was no room for the audio file. I said my Dad’s Magic Word about then, I think.

I spent the rest of the night backing up old photos and video and clearing space on the hard-drive.

Later, having slept for most of the day, I was back at Ruby’s for more coffee and a fresh crossword.

“Did I sing to the internet?” she wanted to know.

I had to tell her that, no, I hadn’t got the post written, nor the photo ‘shopped, nor the audio edited.

“Oh,” she said, sounding disappointed. “Do you still have your thingamajig in your pocket?”

I pulled out my recorder, wondering what she was going to sing for me this time…

“I was hoping I could hear myself,” she said, and I obligingly pushed the ‘play’ button…

Whereupon, Ruby discovered that she’d left out an entire verse during Take 4. Again.

She said that just wouldn’t do, and after dictating to me the first line of every verse on her notepad, so she’d have something to jog her memory, she proceeded to sing the song again perfectly, without ever looking at her cheat sheet.

Give it a listen – it’s funny as hell. I’ve provided the lyrics below the player link, if you have any trouble with Ruby’s Canuckian accent (this means you, CardioGirl).

The Burglar Song – Ruby Daniel
Click it! Click it!

The Burglar Song

I’ll tell you a story of a burglar bold
Who went to rob a house.
He opened a window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide
‘Til the folks were all asleep.
And then, said he, with vehmeny,
“I’ll take a quiet sleep.”

So under the bed the burglar crept,
He crept up close to the wall.
He didn’t know it was an old maid’s room,
Or he’d never have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,
While under the bed he lay.
At 9 o’clock, he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.

At 9 o’clock the old maid came home.
“I am so tired,” she said.
She thought that all was well that night,
So she didn’t look under the bed.

She took out her teeth, her big glass eye,
And the hair all off of her head.
The burglar, he had forty fits,
While he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed, the burglar crept.
He was a total wreck.
The old maid wasn’t asleep at all,
And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn’t holler, or shout, or yell.
She was as cool as a clam.
She only said, “The Saints be praised!
At last, I’ve got a man!”

From under the pillow, she drew out a gun,
And to the burglar she said,
“Young man, if you don’t marry me,
I’ll blow off the top of your head.”

She held him firmly by the neck.
He hadn’t a chance to scoot.
He looked at the gun and the big glass eye,
And said, “Madam, hurry and shoot.”

13 Replies to “The Burglar Song”

  1. How do you know there wasn’t a burglar? Sounds like you both took a long time to go look. Whoever was out there could have stealthily lumbered in the next yard or across the street. What’s Ruby thinking, she has the darn frog to warn her of an intruder, she says she didn’t hear the frog, and then she goes and opens the door to see if anyone is there. What the heck is that anyway?

    Les Says: If there ever IS a burglar, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, he steals the frog…

  2. LMFAO I love the song!
    Was great hearing Ruby sing it 🙂
    A neighbour has 3 of those frogs and sometimes dry leaves or wild birds set the sensor off in them…hence why I re-thought my initial impulse of getting one myself lol.

    Les Says: She has an owl, too… that thing is so creepy that it frightens everybody, so she doesn’t turn it on. Don’t get one. The frog is annoying… the owl is EVIL.

  3. Now that was a treat!

    We heard Ruby casually say, “Huh… I must have a burglar,” (hope I’m that cool as a cuke when I’m in my 70s),

    we listened to her sing a tune (which unfortunately showed no trace of my favorite accent) and

    we got a wham bam at the end of the song.

    I do believe that’s a Ruby hat-trick!

    Les Says: Although she’s not as “hockey” as she is “baseball”, I’m sure she will appreciate the compliment when I pass it on to her – more so, when I tell her that you thought the 84-year-old hat-trickin’ gal was in her 70’s. She laughs and claps her hands together when she’s especially pleased. I’m pretty sure I’ll see that tonight over coffee when I relay your message.

  4. Madam hurry and shoot!

    Oh no! Poor gal. A good man really is hard to find, huh?

    That was such a funny post and the song? Icing on the cake! Thank you so much for going to all the trouble to post it for our pleasure. It really was the highlight of my morning so far. Congratulations on your POTD mention at authorblog.

    PS: I have a few “magic words” in my own personal lexicon that I’m handing down to my own children.

  5. i must admit i got a bit of a laugh out of this…a burglar frog…that she does not hear when it goes off…and the matter of fact “it must be a burglar.” loved the song as well. congrats on the POTD mention!

  6. Hey there girl, how’s it going? This has put a big, wide smile across my face, tell Ruby she rocks! Maybe the burglar heard her singing this and decided to creep away again?

  7. has put a big, wide smile across my face, tell Ruby she rocks! Maybe the burglar heard her singing this and decided to creep away again?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *